A Goodbye of Epic Proportions

Dear 2015,

Where do I even begin? You were good to me, I however…was not so good to you.

2015 will forever be referred to as “The Year of change and growth” for me.

I found HOME this year.

Both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I then tried to sabotage it. I ran from it. From healing. I hid, lied, distracted, coped, and self medicated. For the first 6 months of you 2015, I was the most incomplete, disastrous, and self destructive version of myself that I had been in more than 18 years. Quite possibly ever. Through moments of lucidity, I managed to maintain my relationship with my girls, but understandably only by a thread at times. My own inability to deal, left them feeling  alone and deserted. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that. I am blessed however, that they truly are the most forgiving souls that I know. I have always, and will always be there for my children in every way possible. For those months though, I reeled in the wake of  the divorce aftershocks, and had no idea how to maintain being the strong and powerful role model I had always been for them…while dying inside. I finally came to terms with my own weaknesses, fragility, and shortcomings. And oh my hell were there a lot of shortcomings. And do I even dare discuss the coping mechanisms unmasked?!?! Far to many to count. One’s I now see in my own children. One’s that sadden me greatly.

The beauty of all of that though, is that I still found HOME. I didn’t navigate 2015 with poise, and grace. I didn’t tactfully seek healing. I stumbled, fumbled, fell, cried, screamed, drank, clawed, fought, and nearly drowned while finding my footing.

The moral however, is that I did find my footing. I am more aware now of my shortcomings than ever before, and I work daily to be honest about them, and correct them so as to not negate my hearts intentions while loving others.

I also found LOVE this year.  I knew from the moment I looked into his eyes, that I was in trouble. I ran from him too. For almost 2 months. I wasn’t ready for him. For all that he is. I did quickly however, find myself wanting to be ready. Longing to be the best version of myself for ME, my girls, for his kids, and for him.  I didn’t see him coming at all. Today, I feel like he and his love were my reward for standing back up and learning to thrive, rather than continuing to wallow in self pity and brokeness.

Regardless of how I handled most of you 2015, you were still good to me. You brought people into my life that have changed me forever. You taught me that I am worthy of love, and the forgiveness my children exhibited. I leave you now 2015, with a new found appreciation for the journey, and a fire in my gut to see the same self discovery, and healing for my children in 2016.

I’m sorry that so much of you is hazy 2015. I am eternally thankful for all that you brought into my life in these past 12 months….but I bid you farewell with a sigh of relief…and a genuine excitement for what is to come in 2016.

So, thanks for the memories Doll…..you will always be a special year for me. Even if I am replacing you with a new one. 😉

A quick reminder for my dearest loves…my daughters.

Dear Daughters,

I was reminded again this morning, that you girls are my life’s greatest work. My greatest of purposes. My life’s muse.
If I did nothing else with my life, except be your mother…that would still be more than I could ever have asked or dreamed for.
Life passes to quickly it seems. Everyone is so busy these days. So many places to go, and people to see. That will only get worse as you all approach adult hood. So please know this….I adore the exquisite differences in each of your souls that make up who you are. I love your loyalty to each other, to me, and to those that have earned your loyalty in life. I miss you, even when It’s only because of work and school that we aren’t together. Please know that I never take for granted the fact that at each of your ages, we all still like each other. I am thankful for that every day.
My darling daughters, I will carry each of you within my spirit until I draw my very last breath.

Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for forgiving my shortcomings. Thank you for being the most beautiful part of the song that is my life. And most of all, thank you for listening when I attempt to save you from the heart aches of life.

I love you all more than oxygen.
Today, tomorrow, and always.
xoxoxoxoxoxo heart emoticon

Love always,

Your Mama

Drunk on the idea of love…..

“Just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokeness.”

I found this a few days ago while perusing Pinterest. It held so much weight it literally took my breath away. I began to ponder it immediately and why it would have such am impact on my soul.
Words of course hold weight within my world always. Being a writer I hold vocabulary and words very dear to my heart. But these words were more than words for me.

I have experienced love.
Deep and profound love that resonates from the very core of who you are.
It was a love that grew over many years, and was a love I thought I would be apart of until I drew my last breath.
It was a love….that became stagnant and painful.
It was a love….that ended.

Moving past that love has proven to be difficult for the remaining pieces of my shattered heart. Not because I miss it, or him, or even because I ever wanted that love back. But because I do believe that I was in fact drunk on the idea that that love could heal my brokeness.

I have healed in my life from profound hurts. From life changing abuses and lingering defense mechanisms. I know what healing feels like. I believed for so long that the love I was in, helped me find the strength to heal those areas of brokeness. These days….I am of the belief that it did help, slightly. But that love was not the reason I CHOSE to heal. I chose to heal because of my own internal resolve to be better. Be more. Be me.

Almost a year outside of that love…I am now desperately seeking the inner strength to heal from the damage of those years spent within that love. To find me. To find what defines me as a person. Outside of that role as belonging to him. Outside of work. Outside of my children. And in keeping with my continued resolve of COMPLETE honesty on this blog…I’m struggling. I’m fucking up. Most days I’m okay. Some days I’m not. I want to hide within my defense mechanisms and shield my heart from hurting anymore.

In truth I find happiness in conversations with my children. Fishing. Camping. At length discussions with good friends over cold beers. In Harley rides, and drives through the country with the windows down and the music obnoxiously loud.

But at night, when the bed is lonely, and the warmth of another is longed for….I realize that I am not yet okay.

I will be. I will find my way. I will find me.

But for now I suppose….I am simply human….drunk on the idea that love may someday help heal my brokeness. My goal however, is for that love to come from within my own soul. To be deeply, passionately, and profoundly in love with me. And then maybe, just maybe….the healing will be complete.

Another milestone…A letter for my second daughter

“And though she be but little…she is fierce!”

There is no better description for you my dear 2nd born.

You are fierce in your soul, wicked sharp in your mind, and truly one of the most observant people I have ever had the honor of knowing.

You graduated from the 8th grade this past month, and I admit this milestone left me reeling for more reasons than I can decipher fully yet.

But for you, I will try to. And so…..a letter for you my dear girl. For you and you alone.

Dearest 2nd born,

You came into this world 14 years ago exhibiting a quiet strength I envied almost immediately. I was scared to death when I found that you were coming, because I did not know how there could be enough room in my heart to love another child the way I had fallen so madly in love with your big sister. You, my dear girl, obliterated that from the first moment I laid eyes on your gorgeous spirit. My heart was immediately overflowing with a profound and immeasurable love for every single sound that you made. Every breath that you took seemed to be in exact rhythm with that of the beating of my heart.

And here we are, 14 years later, and I feel exactly the same as I did the moment I had the honor of meeting you.

You came into this world stubborn, strong, lovely, and fragile. Your sweet spirit becoming more and more evident as the years have passed by.

There are so many things that I want to tell you my dear girl, so very many things. I have shared with you my story from a very young age in hopes that you will take heed and make better choices along your own journey. And that you have done indeed my sweet girl.

I have watched you navigate through out this past year with more grace and dignity than most adults are capable of. You have been honest about your feelings, but careful to not allow them to fuel any anger within your spirit. You my dear girl, have trusted me when others did not, and had my back when others questioned my choices. You have spoken truth that is hard to hear yet presented it in a way that exhibited more poise than that of 10 grown women.

You are strong, you are wise, you are solid, and you are beautiful. And so I find myself wondering what advice I could possibly give you over the next four years that will be sufficient…..so instead….I will make you some promises. As I did to your sister….that you may always know where the heart of your Mama lies….no matter where we are, or what we are doing.

I promise dear girl, to always be here for you. Our family dynamic has changed, but we are still a family. I promise to hold you when you cry. To not pry. To stand by your side as you decipher who should be in your world, and who should not. I will shop with you (which you KNOW how much I love that…lol) for every prom dress, every special outfit, and I promise to keep my crazy at below a 5 the first time I must come face to face with the first silly boy who is trying to come steal you away from me. I promise to continue trying with all of my heart to co parent effectively with your father, and more than anything else my dear, dear girl….I promise to always be a soft spot for you to land.

I cannot promise to be the perfect Mom, but I can promise that I will continue to try and be a woman you are proud to call your Mama. I promise to continue on my own journey to healing and wholeness that you might be proud of the example I have attempted to set. I promise to continue to try to empower you with the ability to make good choices. And be honest in my faults. That you may know that it is one of the most beautiful things in the world, when a woman can be tough and tender simultaneously.

And with all of that said….I now way what you have heard me say a thousand times before. Be YOU my dear girl. Be YOU.

Do not allow the trials of this life to taint your views of the world. Continue seeking knowledge and beauty. Dream. Breath. Travel. Love. Laugh from your soul. Smile. Continue to love and be there for others, but never do that at the cost of your own heart, or your own self.

YOU are exquisite my dear girl. You will change the world one person at a time. You are beautiful, and I am honored to be on this journey with you. Please remember that as we embark on the next 4 years, and remember that when I say no…it will be because I possess a wisdom you have only begun to understand.

I love you today, tomorrow, and always. Thank you for being YOU. May you NEVER be anything else.

Love always,

Your Mama

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I am Me….and I am a Hypocrite.

Another deeply personal post my friends. Bare with me, and remember that I am on the journey to find me. 🙂

I have had the ability to “see” people my entire life. And by “see” I mean actually see them for who and what they really are. Most times it feels as though I can see straight into their soul. I am not insinuating that it is some supernatural, or psychic type ability, just that it is an ability. I have no idea if that ability was birthed due to the various experiences I have had throughout my life or not, but none the less it is a constant and present thing.

I chose many years ago to use this ability for good, and attempt to help all who were open to receiving my help regardless of the cost. I have spent countless hours speaking with people, writing countless stories and blogs in an effort to help others, and many a sleepless night listening to those in need. I have made it my life’s work to love people past their brokeness, and more importantly, help them see and value their self-worth beyond measure.

That my dear friends…..is why I am a hypocrite.

When I see others struggling with feelings of worthlessness,  I usually attempt to combat that first. For nothing hurts my heart more than seeing someone who is precious and amazing, say that they are not worthy of being loved. Almost nothing makes my heart ache more.

And yet…..I have become fully aware as of late….that I AM THE WORST OF THEM ALL. I desire to serve, but refuse to allow anyone to serve me in return. I desire to lift up, and shake my head in disbelief when someone attempts to lift me up, or tell me that I am worth it. I mask the fact that I do not feel worthy of anyone doing things for me with pride and a stubborn spirit. In truth, I am stubborn. Some might say the most stubborn. But I have realized as of late, that the “prideful” behaviors I exhibit on a seemingly regular basis are nothing more than a mask to hide that I would rather be the one doing for others, than allowing them to do for me. Because to allow them to do for me, would be admitting that I am worthy of their love, devotion, and support.

I know all of this seems the artifices of my previous blog titled “I am me…and I am enough.” But in all actuality it is not. This is simply me recognizing the depths of my broken spirit, and seeing the recurring theme of worthlessness for exactly what it is. This is me documenting each revelation and new understanding in an effort to move past it once and for all. This is me….making an effort to not make a mountain out of a molehill, and look at myself in the mirror and be fully satisfied with what is looking back at me.

Because the “I am not good enough” that has plagued me since I was old enough to remember was a seed planted by the hands of my offender, and then watered throughout the years by others. Who though, has been fertilizing that seed? Who has allowed it to stay rooted within her soul, and essentially bare fruit within her own existence? Me folks. That’s who. I will not blame this powerful and negative force in my life, on anyone other than myself.

And so today….I will take my own damn advice for once. I will take off my hat of hypocrisy and accept that I am worthy of the love that surrounds me. That I should want to be whole, healthy, happy, and healed for me. I will stop using my children as my only source of inspiration, and in essence what I hide behind.

I want to believe that I am worth it. I will believe it. I will own it.

I WILL learn it, love it, and live it.

Period.

I am Me, and I am enough.

A whirlwind of changes yet again, have left me embracing my own fragility.

Fragile is not something I would have ever been comfortable describing myself as before. Not completely comfortable with it now. However, I recognize that there are parts of my being that are tender, raw, and vulnerable. And for the first time in my life, I am coming to a place where I can appreciate that. The weight of having to be strong all of the time, slowly being lifted.

Embracing the damage that was done. Choosing to heal from it. As painful as it is, I choose daily to be better.

I choose to stare down the insecurities that plague me, and believe that I AM WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. Never having realized before, that I was hiding behind my own capacity to love, yet not believing that I was worthy of receiving it. The most painful realization has been seeing myself for all of the strengths that I embody, yet fully recognizing that beliving that “I am not good enough” negates those strengths.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not enough….it only matters that I choose to embrace that I am.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not worthy of being loved….it only matters that I accept that I do.

It matters not, why I feel alone in a room full of people on some days…..it only matters that I will choose to escape the loneliness, and learn how to live again.

Because……

I am enough. I am not perfect. But I am MORE than enough.

I am reminded of this daily when I see the love in my childrens eyes. When I hear my friends tell me they love me, and that they have my back….and I do not doubt that they mean it.

I see that I am enough when I hear the genuine joy escaping the lips of my children as they begin to laugh again from their souls. I see them healing. I see them loving. Without fear of rejection, or abandonment…they love. They inspire me to do the same.

And while my heart will likely always be closely guarded and protected, the courage I see within the children I have been blessed to have in my life strengthens me and uplifts me in a way I cannot do justice to with mere words.

So today I say, I am enough.

I am strong. I am love. I am blessed. I am me.

I am powerful. I am loved. I am humbled. I am me.

I am me. And I am enough.

The longing of my soul……

A longing churns within my soul.

A longing not measurable by depths or reasoning.

One that reaches to the core of my heart.

A deep and profound longing that leaves me breathless when acknowledged fully.

A longing that I want so desperately to ignore.

To close myself off from completely, and hide from the weight of the reality that it brings.

One that causes me to want to retreat within, and pretend as if I do not know of it’s existence.

Want to. That is what I want to do.

But…….

I will not stand down.

I will embrace that which I was created to be.

For I was created to love. Wholly and completely.

From the depths of my soul flows a love so powerful that it can help heal those who open themselves to it.

Causing the broken pieces of their shattered being to become mended in the wake of that love.

I will choose to embody that which I was created for. Regardless of the cost.

Because I was created to be more than I am.

And I will become more than even I am capable of comprehending.

Change is our only constant.

The changes that come with life are constant and consistent. The absolute ONLY thing we can count on in life is that there will be change. There will be small and subtle changes, as well as substantial changes that leave us questioning everything we thought we once knew. It is what you do after the reeling stops that defines who you are. It is who you become during and on the other side of these changes that will be your legacy. I desire my legacy to be one of love, wisdom, strength, resilience, and compassion. I will fail. I will fall. I will do things that unintentionally hurt others, but I will ALWAYS apologize. I will ALWAYS learn from them. And I will ALWAYS have a heart big enough to shelter those whom I love, and who have my back. So, regardless of the constant and ever changing things that make up this life…..I will ALWAYS stand up right in my convictions, and be humbled beyond measure to live in a world where I am able to feel the love that surrounds me daily.
I will fall….but I will ALWAYS get back up.

“I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these flames
I don’t need you to save me
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter”

Not only will I get back up…but I will choose to thrive instead of survive.

“From the ashes emerged a being more beautiful than the world had ever seen before, nor would ever see again.”

My beautiful existence….

Contemplative would be the best word to describe my state of mind recently.

I recently returned from a vacation that left my mind cleared and heart renewed. No fancy places, beaches, resorts, or pina coladas. Just a beautiful place, where I was welcomed with so much love and genuine hearts, it left me humbled beyond measure.

I have been very blessed in my life when it comes to friendships. Some that have spanned many years, some that have had breaks and reunions, some that have been as steady and constant as the intake of oxygen. Some that were always there, but never “available” to me until recently. All of them, are each special in their own way and all of them I am beyond thankful for. Words could never actually convey my appreciation in fact.

So, contemplative is the best word to use for both my heart and my mind. Because the relationships within my world help hold me accountable, and growth oriented. Most importantly they help keep me resolved to navigating through the valleys with determination, and inspire that determination to increase daily.

The dynamic of my world has changed so profoundly, yet the things that have been and are being birthed from this change are enough to leave me filled with such humility I cannot even attempt to describe.

I am honored to live this life.

And regardless of the valleys….I wouldn’t change a single thing. Not a one.

Because this journey is not about where you end up, but more importantly….how you got there. ❤

The progression of change…my journey to feeling, and healing.

Progression:  pro·gres·sion 1.a movement or development toward a destination or a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.”the normal progression from junior to senior status”

• synonyms:

  progress, advancement, movement, passage, march; More

  MUSIC: a passage or movement from one note or chord to another.

  “a blues progression”

  “A movement or development toward a destination…..”

  There is not always a destination as we navigate the challenges of this life. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Which is beyond frustrating for those like myself, who need to have a purpose. A goal to work towards.

  So, I hold tight to the second part of the definition of the word progression. “a movement or development toward a destination OR a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.“

  To progress to a more advanced state, gradually, in stages. To allow myself to accept the imperfections, broken places, open wounds, anger, debilitating sadness, sense of loss, and FEEL them at a level that shakes me to my core. To do this in stages, and recognize that without FEELING them….my soul will wane in the wake of this valley, and I will never fully heal, and therefore be a watered down and broken version of myself. Which for those who know me, and those who have read other entries in my blog, KNOW that that is NOT an option within my journey. I have been unshakably committed to being whole, healed, and the best version of me that I can be for many years now. To change that now, would be cheating myself, and only prolong the process. My desire to find peace supersedes any defense mechanism subconsciously put in place to protect my heart. Because in truth….my heart has been destroyed, Both by the actions of another, and my own actions. I move forward not looking to place blame, but to fully embrace the experiences, and resolve to learning from them.

  I will resolve to not only learning from my past, but fully accepting that I will be different as a result. I have been operating out of a fear of vulnerability, and that fear still plagues me. There are chosen few, so few, who I can let my guard down with. But those few remind me that I am human. That I do not have to be strong all of the time. Which is a very jagged, and bitter pill for me to swallow. My mind has said that to maintain my “bad ass” status, I must not let the world see me in my brokenness. Only allow them to see me afterwards, when the positivity and wisdom birthed from those times are flowing like a river of encouragement. But in reality….will it not be even more powerful to say “Yes, I am broken, and I am destroyed RIGHT NOW. I am human. I cry. I hurt. I think irrational thoughts about forever being alone, and I harbor fears of ever trusting another human being with my heart. But I WILL BE BETTER. I WILL be more. I WILL choose to love others, and myself. Just you watch and see.”

  So although it would be easier for me to hide behind my strengths, I know that I will only derive more strength from being honest about my weaknesses. I will take a dear friends advice, and embrace the delicate parts of my spirit that need to be held, loved, nurtured, and healed. I will get angry, and then I will get over it. I will mourn, and then I will allow joy to come in the morning. I will turn on songs that I know evoke powerful emotions within me, and I will let my tears flow, because I know that with those tears comes a cleansed soul. I will as I always have, lean on my Creator to lead me, guide me, refine me, and most importantly DEFINE me.

  I am merely the culmination of the experiences of my life to date. And today, I resolve to breathing deep. Riding the waves as they come. And knowing, that on the other side of this….I will once again be a force to be reckoned with in this world. And maybe, just maybe, as a result…..I will someday allow others to love me as intensely and as devotedly as I love them. Maybe, just maybe, this chapter of my existence, may prove to be my most powerful testimony to date. It is all about the journey.

  “From the ashes of a broken existence came forth a more powerful, beautiful, and passionate being than the world had EVER seen, nor would EVER see again.”~ Me 2007

  For those of you that are a song within my life…I say thank you. You will never know the weight that your love holds within my spirit.