The longing of my soul……

strong woman

A longing churns within my soul.

A longing not measurable by depths or reasoning.

One that reaches to the core of my heart.

A deep and profound longing that leaves me breathless when acknowledged fully.

A longing that I want so desperately to ignore.

To close myself off from completely, and hide from the weight of the reality that it brings.

One that causes me to want to retreat within, and pretend as if I do not know of it’s existence.

Want to. That is what I want to do.

But…….

I will not stand down.

I will embrace that which I was created to be.

For I was created to love. Wholly and completely.

From the depths of my soul flows a love so powerful that it can help heal those who open themselves to it.

Causing the broken pieces of their shattered being to become mended in the wake of that love.

I will choose to embody that which I was created for. Regardless of the cost.

Because I was created to be more than I am.

And I will become more than even I am capable of comprehending.

The progression of change…my journey to feeling, and healing.

Progression:  pro·gres·sion 1.a movement or development toward a destination or a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.”the normal progression from junior to senior status”

  • synonyms: progress, advancement, movement, passage, march; More

    MUSIC: a passage or movement from one note or chord to another.
    “a blues progression”
    “A movement or development toward a destination…..”
    There is not always a destination as we navigate the challenges of this life. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Which is beyond frustrating for those like myself, who need to have a purpose. A goal to work towards.
    So, I hold tight to the second part of the definition of the word progression. “a movement or development toward a destination OR a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.
    To progress to a more advanced state, gradually, in stages. To allow myself to accept the imperfections, broken places, open wounds, anger, debilitating sadness, sense of loss, and FEEL them at a level that shakes me to my core. To do this in stages, and recognize that without FEELING them….my soul will wane in the wake of this valley, and I will never fully heal, and therefore be a watered down and broken version of myself. Which for those who know me, and those who have read other entries in my blog, KNOW that that is NOT an option within my journey. I have been unshakably committed to being whole, healed, and the best version of me that I can be for many years now. To change that now, would be cheating myself, and only prolong the process. My desire to find peace supersedes any defense mechanism subconsciously put in place to protect my heart. Because in truth….my heart has been destroyed, Both by the actions of another, and my own actions. I move forward not looking to place blame, but to fully embrace the experiences, and resolve to learning from them.
    I will resolve to not only learning from my past, but fully accepting that I will be different as a result. I have been operating out of a fear of vulnerability, and that fear still plagues me. There are chosen few, so few, who I can let my guard down with. But those few remind me that I am human. That I do not have to be strong all of the time. Which is a very jagged, and bitter pill for me to swallow. My mind has said that to maintain my “bad ass” status, I must not let the world see me in my brokenness. Only allow them to see me afterwards, when the positivity and wisdom birthed from those times are flowing like a river of encouragement. But in reality….will it not be even more powerful to say “Yes, I am broken, and I am destroyed RIGHT NOW. I am human. I cry. I hurt. I think irrational thoughts about forever being alone, and I harbor fears of ever trusting another human being with my heart. But I WILL BE BETTER. I WILL be more. I WILL choose to love others, and myself. Just you watch and see.”
    So although it would be easier for me to hide behind my strengths, I know that I will only derive more strength from being honest about my weaknesses. I will take a dear friends advice, and embrace the delicate parts of my spirit that need to be held, loved, nurtured, and healed. I will get angry, and then I will get over it. I will mourn, and then I will allow joy to come in the morning. I will turn on songs that I know evoke powerful emotions within me, and I will let my tears flow, because I know that with those tears comes a cleansed soul. I will as I always have, lean on my Creator to lead me, guide me, refine me, and most importantly DEFINE me.
    I am merely the culmination of the experiences of my life to date. And today, I resolve to breathing deep. Riding the waves as they come. And knowing, that on the other side of this….I will once again be a force to be reckoned with in this world. And maybe, just maybe, as a result…..I will someday allow others to love me as intensely and as devotedly as I love them. Maybe, just maybe, this chapter of my existence, may prove to be my most powerful testimony to date. It is all about the journey.
    “From the ashes of a broken existence came forth a more powerful, beautiful, and passionate being than the world had EVER seen, nor would EVER see again.”~ Me 2007
    For those of you that are a song within my life…I say thank you. You will never know the weight that your love holds within my spirit.

A letter to my molester….a story of victory and healing.

This will quite possibly be, the MOST personal post I have ever made, or will ever make…..

Recent changes in my life have caused me to prioritize yet again, and I have resumed my focus in life to love, lift up, encourage, and help others move past their hurts and all of the consequences of those hurts.

I am no longer be a wife,  and navigating outside of that label is new and different for me. As you can see from many of my past posts, that was a huge part of my identity for almost 17 years.

But I am still a mother. A kick ass one at that.

I am still a daughter. Sister. Friend. Protector. Ride or Die.

I am still Unbridled and untamed. Honest to a fault. Wild and free. And now more free to be all of those things and more. More so now than ever before in my entire existence.

I was still created for a purpose, even though my purpose has been re-defined.

I am journeying to find the broken parts of me that were compromised for so many years, and explore them fully. Mending them, and restoring them to their full potential.

I am on a journey to find “Me.”

And where I am today, stems directly from where I’ve been.

So, I share with you the letter I wrote to my offender 7 years ago this year. It had taken me 27 years to write this letter. And I have never looked back.

I desire that those who read it, will see that there is always the ability to move past the pain, grab hold of life, and choose healing over brokenness.

My life is a living testament to that.

And the rest of my story….has only just begun. 🙂

September 21st, 2007

Dear Biological Father,

As I begin this letter, it occurs to me that we have come full circle.  It was exactly this time last year that we had our last conversation.  As you well know, I was deeply hurt by last year’s happenings.  Not an unfamiliar feeling from our correspondence throughout the years, but still painful at that.  While that seems like a harsh statement, please know now that “low-blows” or “cheap-shots” are not what this letter is about.  I also have no intention of using this letter as a forum for using you as my personal “Punching bag”. I turned 27 years old yesterday, and finally realize that I have simply come to a place in my life, where I cannot do this anymore.  By “this” I mean, harbor un-forgiveness, and suffer all the damage it does to my personal life.

I feel compelled to begin by telling you that I do remember.  I do remember the times spent throughout my childhood that you and I spent as father and daughter.  I remember lots of peaceful walks through the Santa Cruz Redwoods, where I learned how to track deer, and how to climb the massive trunks of the breathtaking redwood trees.  I remember bike rides, and fishing trips.  The deep sea fishing trip on the Great Lakes where I was sicker than a dog and still caught the biggest fish that day…..that story still brings a smile to my face.  I also realize that I was raised by two different fathers before the age of 10.  My Father, who was a good father.  A caring father and a man that truly felt blessed for the one precious daughter that G-d allowed him to have.  And the other man, whom I’m sure we are both equally thankful, is no longer a part of either of our lives anymore.  The first father, the father that I truly believe G-d intended you to be, is the man that I find myself mourning for all these years later.  You know that I had the most amazing step-father that anyone could have ever asked for, however that never did dull the pain completely for the loss of my biological father in my life.  You see, the statement made in your last email about “Not knowing you well enough to comment on what is typical of you” seems so unfair a statement coming from a man whose daughter was robbed of “Knowing you well enough” by his own doing.  I know that through your own time of self-exploration and counseling all those years ago, you found the “reasons” for your actions.  For that I am truly grateful.  You see I am not a selfish person, and have for years wondered and prayed that you were not nearly as tormented by what happened as I have been.  I would not wish that on anyone, and I only know what it was like to be the child in the situation, I cannot imagine the burden of being the offender.  I know, through a few of our conversations, that you have found peace from that situation, and feel as though, in most ways I have as well.  I have spent a lot of time analyzing what it is that I still harbor that keeps my un-forgiveness alive and well, and subject to triggering other ugly behaviors in my life.  I have come to rest upon the understanding that it is about so much more than the act of the molestation itself.  My issues seem to be more about simply the loss of you in my life.  That the choices you made, even after the most traumatic ones, all lead to the same place…..the place where our relationship is not healthy, never has been, and never will be.  I feel as though, I have never, and will never be more important than you, and your needs.  I realize that this may be completely incorrect, but, as I’m sure you would agree, I have never had the chance to know any differently.

Also, I apologize for allowing my deep-seeded emotional scars affect your wife recently.  Please convey my heartfelt apology to her for having been on the receiving end of my anger and resentment. I could go into all the reason why I felt hurt and angry that you would give me such funds as a “loan”, but you and I both already know them, and there is no reason to re-hash them. The “sacrifice” while honorable, also felt like a slap in the face. It was the only sacrifice I could ever recall my EVER father making for me, and as quickly as it was given, was asked to be returned.  I reacted out of anger, and resentment, and for that I apologize.

I write this letter, not as a sounding board for all of my reasons for ugly behavior, but, as a final release of all my un-forgiveness.  Also, to say, that I have truly come to a place where I can thank God for what I endured as a child.  As strange as that sounds, I know that I would not be the strong, compassionate, spiritually sound person I am today, had I not endured what I did.  I heard a pastor speak recently, and make a statement that was so deeply profound as he was speaking on spiritual gifts.  He stated that some gifting’s were given by God intentionally, and some were the product of “Enduring such a traumatic experience that it literally rips a whole in your soul.”  That statement rang so true for me.  My desire to continue the journey daily to become that which I was created to be, and to continue seeking the true intention for my life, is directly related to that hole in my soul.  I may never have learned how desperately I need him daily had I not needed him so early on.

And so I say, farewell.

Know that I move forward in Peace.
And most importantly…that I CHOOSE to move forward.

Another attack…

I haven’t been feeling well today. So, I had no idea about the attacks on the Boston City Marathon until I sat down to post my photo of the day. My heart carries a heaviness that I cannot put into words. While I have some very unpopular opinions about our government and the state of our Nation, none of that matters when lives are lost. I am continuously reminded of the dangers we face daily. Of the agenda of the wicked. I mourn for the world we are passing on to our children, and I pray for the protection of the Creator.

Hug your loved ones. Pray for your children. Live each day as if it is your last. For each day that we live, is a gift from above.

This song is one of my favorites. May it bring some warmth to your soul while we process the tragic events of today. Love to all.