A Goodbye of Epic Proportions

2015-12-31 11.27.13

Dear 2015,

Where do I even begin? You were good to me, I however…was not so good to you.

2015 will forever be referred to as “The Year of change and growth” for me.

I found HOME this year.

Both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I then tried to sabotage it. I ran from it. From healing. I hid, lied, distracted, coped, and self medicated. For the first 6 months of you 2015, I was the most incomplete, disastrous, and self destructive version of myself that I had been in more than 18 years. Quite possibly ever. Through moments of lucidity, I managed to maintain my relationship with my girls, but understandably only by a thread at times. My own inability to deal, left them feeling  alone and deserted. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that. I am blessed however, that they truly are the most forgiving souls that I know. I have always, and will always be there for my children in every way possible. For those months though, I reeled in the wake of  the divorce aftershocks, and had no idea how to maintain being the strong and powerful role model I had always been for them…while dying inside. I finally came to terms with my own weaknesses, fragility, and shortcomings. And oh my hell were there a lot of shortcomings. And do I even dare discuss the coping mechanisms unmasked?!?! Far to many to count. One’s I now see in my own children. One’s that sadden me greatly.

The beauty of all of that though, is that I still found HOME. I didn’t navigate 2015 with poise, and grace. I didn’t tactfully seek healing. I stumbled, fumbled, fell, cried, screamed, drank, clawed, fought, and nearly drowned while finding my footing.

The moral however, is that I did find my footing. I am more aware now of my shortcomings than ever before, and I work daily to be honest about them, and correct them so as to not negate my hearts intentions while loving others.

I also found LOVE this year.  I knew from the moment I looked into his eyes, that I was in trouble. I ran from him too. For almost 2 months. I wasn’t ready for him. For all that he is. I did quickly however, find myself wanting to be ready. Longing to be the best version of myself for ME, my girls, for his kids, and for him.  I didn’t see him coming at all. Today, I feel like he and his love were my reward for standing back up and learning to thrive, rather than continuing to wallow in self pity and brokeness.

Regardless of how I handled most of you 2015, you were still good to me. You brought people into my life that have changed me forever. You taught me that I am worthy of love, and the forgiveness my children exhibited. I leave you now 2015, with a new found appreciation for the journey, and a fire in my gut to see the same self discovery, and healing for my children in 2016.

I’m sorry that so much of you is hazy 2015. I am eternally thankful for all that you brought into my life in these past 12 months….but I bid you farewell with a sigh of relief…and a genuine excitement for what is to come in 2016.

So, thanks for the memories Doll…..you will always be a special year for me. Even if I am replacing you with a new one. 😉

I am Me, and I am enough.

enough

A whirlwind of changes yet again, have left me embracing my own fragility.

Fragile is not something I would have ever been comfortable describing myself as before. Not completely comfortable with it now. However, I recognize that there are parts of my being that are tender, raw, and vulnerable. And for the first time in my life, I am coming to a place where I can appreciate that. The weight of having to be strong all of the time, slowly being lifted.

Embracing the damage that was done. Choosing to heal from it. As painful as it is, I choose daily to be better.

I choose to stare down the insecurities that plague me, and believe that I AM WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. Never having realized before, that I was hiding behind my own capacity to love, yet not believing that I was worthy of receiving it. The most painful realization has been seeing myself for all of the strengths that I embody, yet fully recognizing that beliving that “I am not good enough” negates those strengths.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not enough….it only matters that I choose to embrace that I am.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not worthy of being loved….it only matters that I accept that I do.

It matters not, why I feel alone in a room full of people on some days…..it only matters that I will choose to escape the loneliness, and learn how to live again.

Because……

I am enough. I am not perfect. But I am MORE than enough.

I am reminded of this daily when I see the love in my childrens eyes. When I hear my friends tell me they love me, and that they have my back….and I do not doubt that they mean it.

I see that I am enough when I hear the genuine joy escaping the lips of my children as they begin to laugh again from their souls. I see them healing. I see them loving. Without fear of rejection, or abandonment…they love. They inspire me to do the same.

And while my heart will likely always be closely guarded and protected, the courage I see within the children I have been blessed to have in my life strengthens me and uplifts me in a way I cannot do justice to with mere words.

So today I say, I am enough.

I am strong. I am love. I am blessed. I am me.

I am powerful. I am loved. I am humbled. I am me.

I am me. And I am enough.

Change is our only constant.

The changes that come with life are constant and consistent. The absolute ONLY thing we can count on in life is that there will be change. There will be small and subtle changes, as well as substantial changes that leave us questioning everything we thought we once knew. It is what you do after the reeling stops that defines who you are. It is who you become during and on the other side of these changes that will be your legacy. I desire my legacy to be one of love, wisdom, strength, resilience, and compassion. I will fail. I will fall. I will do things that unintentionally hurt others, but I will ALWAYS apologize. I will ALWAYS learn from them. And I will ALWAYS have a heart big enough to shelter those whom I love, and who have my back. So, regardless of the constant and ever changing things that make up this life…..I will ALWAYS stand up right in my convictions, and be humbled beyond measure to live in a world where I am able to feel the love that surrounds me daily.
I will fall….but I will ALWAYS get back up.

“I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these flames
I don’t need you to save me
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter”

Not only will I get back up…but I will choose to thrive instead of survive.

“From the ashes emerged a being more beautiful than the world had ever seen before, nor would ever see again.”

My beautiful existence….

Contemplative would be the best word to describe my state of mind recently.

I recently returned from a vacation that left my mind cleared and heart renewed. No fancy places, beaches, resorts, or pina coladas. Just a beautiful place, where I was welcomed with so much love and genuine hearts, it left me humbled beyond measure.

I have been very blessed in my life when it comes to friendships. Some that have spanned many years, some that have had breaks and reunions, some that have been as steady and constant as the intake of oxygen. Some that were always there, but never “available” to me until recently. All of them, are each special in their own way and all of them I am beyond thankful for. Words could never actually convey my appreciation in fact.

So, contemplative is the best word to use for both my heart and my mind. Because the relationships within my world help hold me accountable, and growth oriented. Most importantly they help keep me resolved to navigating through the valleys with determination, and inspire that determination to increase daily.

The dynamic of my world has changed so profoundly, yet the things that have been and are being birthed from this change are enough to leave me filled with such humility I cannot even attempt to describe.

I am honored to live this life.

And regardless of the valleys….I wouldn’t change a single thing. Not a one.

Because this journey is not about where you end up, but more importantly….how you got there. ❤

friendship

A letter to my molester….a story of victory and healing.

This will quite possibly be, the MOST personal post I have ever made, or will ever make…..

Recent changes in my life have caused me to prioritize yet again, and I have resumed my focus in life to love, lift up, encourage, and help others move past their hurts and all of the consequences of those hurts.

I am no longer be a wife,  and navigating outside of that label is new and different for me. As you can see from many of my past posts, that was a huge part of my identity for almost 17 years.

But I am still a mother. A kick ass one at that.

I am still a daughter. Sister. Friend. Protector. Ride or Die.

I am still Unbridled and untamed. Honest to a fault. Wild and free. And now more free to be all of those things and more. More so now than ever before in my entire existence.

I was still created for a purpose, even though my purpose has been re-defined.

I am journeying to find the broken parts of me that were compromised for so many years, and explore them fully. Mending them, and restoring them to their full potential.

I am on a journey to find “Me.”

And where I am today, stems directly from where I’ve been.

So, I share with you the letter I wrote to my offender 7 years ago this year. It had taken me 27 years to write this letter. And I have never looked back.

I desire that those who read it, will see that there is always the ability to move past the pain, grab hold of life, and choose healing over brokenness.

My life is a living testament to that.

And the rest of my story….has only just begun. 🙂

September 21st, 2007

Dear Biological Father,

As I begin this letter, it occurs to me that we have come full circle.  It was exactly this time last year that we had our last conversation.  As you well know, I was deeply hurt by last year’s happenings.  Not an unfamiliar feeling from our correspondence throughout the years, but still painful at that.  While that seems like a harsh statement, please know now that “low-blows” or “cheap-shots” are not what this letter is about.  I also have no intention of using this letter as a forum for using you as my personal “Punching bag”. I turned 27 years old yesterday, and finally realize that I have simply come to a place in my life, where I cannot do this anymore.  By “this” I mean, harbor un-forgiveness, and suffer all the damage it does to my personal life.

I feel compelled to begin by telling you that I do remember.  I do remember the times spent throughout my childhood that you and I spent as father and daughter.  I remember lots of peaceful walks through the Santa Cruz Redwoods, where I learned how to track deer, and how to climb the massive trunks of the breathtaking redwood trees.  I remember bike rides, and fishing trips.  The deep sea fishing trip on the Great Lakes where I was sicker than a dog and still caught the biggest fish that day…..that story still brings a smile to my face.  I also realize that I was raised by two different fathers before the age of 10.  My Father, who was a good father.  A caring father and a man that truly felt blessed for the one precious daughter that G-d allowed him to have.  And the other man, whom I’m sure we are both equally thankful, is no longer a part of either of our lives anymore.  The first father, the father that I truly believe G-d intended you to be, is the man that I find myself mourning for all these years later.  You know that I had the most amazing step-father that anyone could have ever asked for, however that never did dull the pain completely for the loss of my biological father in my life.  You see, the statement made in your last email about “Not knowing you well enough to comment on what is typical of you” seems so unfair a statement coming from a man whose daughter was robbed of “Knowing you well enough” by his own doing.  I know that through your own time of self-exploration and counseling all those years ago, you found the “reasons” for your actions.  For that I am truly grateful.  You see I am not a selfish person, and have for years wondered and prayed that you were not nearly as tormented by what happened as I have been.  I would not wish that on anyone, and I only know what it was like to be the child in the situation, I cannot imagine the burden of being the offender.  I know, through a few of our conversations, that you have found peace from that situation, and feel as though, in most ways I have as well.  I have spent a lot of time analyzing what it is that I still harbor that keeps my un-forgiveness alive and well, and subject to triggering other ugly behaviors in my life.  I have come to rest upon the understanding that it is about so much more than the act of the molestation itself.  My issues seem to be more about simply the loss of you in my life.  That the choices you made, even after the most traumatic ones, all lead to the same place…..the place where our relationship is not healthy, never has been, and never will be.  I feel as though, I have never, and will never be more important than you, and your needs.  I realize that this may be completely incorrect, but, as I’m sure you would agree, I have never had the chance to know any differently.

Also, I apologize for allowing my deep-seeded emotional scars affect your wife recently.  Please convey my heartfelt apology to her for having been on the receiving end of my anger and resentment. I could go into all the reason why I felt hurt and angry that you would give me such funds as a “loan”, but you and I both already know them, and there is no reason to re-hash them. The “sacrifice” while honorable, also felt like a slap in the face. It was the only sacrifice I could ever recall my EVER father making for me, and as quickly as it was given, was asked to be returned.  I reacted out of anger, and resentment, and for that I apologize.

I write this letter, not as a sounding board for all of my reasons for ugly behavior, but, as a final release of all my un-forgiveness.  Also, to say, that I have truly come to a place where I can thank God for what I endured as a child.  As strange as that sounds, I know that I would not be the strong, compassionate, spiritually sound person I am today, had I not endured what I did.  I heard a pastor speak recently, and make a statement that was so deeply profound as he was speaking on spiritual gifts.  He stated that some gifting’s were given by God intentionally, and some were the product of “Enduring such a traumatic experience that it literally rips a whole in your soul.”  That statement rang so true for me.  My desire to continue the journey daily to become that which I was created to be, and to continue seeking the true intention for my life, is directly related to that hole in my soul.  I may never have learned how desperately I need him daily had I not needed him so early on.

And so I say, farewell.

Know that I move forward in Peace.
And most importantly…that I CHOOSE to move forward.

May 6th Photo-A-Day Challeng: Beverages!

May 6th Photo-A-Day Challeng: Beverages!

When I get exhausted with daily things…I find myself reminiscing about our time in Central America. I find my heart longing for it. I loved everything about the sights, smells, tastes, and experiences we had there. Even the painful experiences. I loved them all.

Here you will see one of my favorite photos from our time visiting with the indigenous tribes of Panama’s Boquete region. These sweet girls were so excited to have been given these juices! The Ngöbe Bugle are a beautiful people plagued by a thousand things I care not get into at this moment. Because none the less, they are beautiful. Their very presence humbled me. Many of them, had never seen a blond haired, green eyed white woman before. It was an eye opening, and beautiful experience that I will NEVER forget. One that I have committed to having again sometime within the near future.

May 5th Photo-A-Day Challenge: Clouds!

cloudsThis is a re-blogged picture from last years challenge. I searched and searched for a picture better, and could not find one that I had taken. I also attempted to take one…nothing. So, enjoy this piece of pretty again this year folks, as it is by far my most beautiful captured image to date. xoxoxo!