Another deeply personal post my friends. Bare with me, and remember that I am on the journey to find me. 🙂
I have had the ability to “see” people my entire life. And by “see” I mean actually see them for who and what they really are. Most times it feels as though I can see straight into their soul. I am not insinuating that it is some supernatural, or psychic type ability, just that it is an ability. I have no idea if that ability was birthed due to the various experiences I have had throughout my life or not, but none the less it is a constant and present thing.
I chose many years ago to use this ability for good, and attempt to help all who were open to receiving my help regardless of the cost. I have spent countless hours speaking with people, writing countless stories and blogs in an effort to help others, and many a sleepless night listening to those in need. I have made it my life’s work to love people past their brokeness, and more importantly, help them see and value their self-worth beyond measure.
That my dear friends…..is why I am a hypocrite.
When I see others struggling with feelings of worthlessness, I usually attempt to combat that first. For nothing hurts my heart more than seeing someone who is precious and amazing, say that they are not worthy of being loved. Almost nothing makes my heart ache more.
And yet…..I have become fully aware as of late….that I AM THE WORST OF THEM ALL. I desire to serve, but refuse to allow anyone to serve me in return. I desire to lift up, and shake my head in disbelief when someone attempts to lift me up, or tell me that I am worth it. I mask the fact that I do not feel worthy of anyone doing things for me with pride and a stubborn spirit. In truth, I am stubborn. Some might say the most stubborn. But I have realized as of late, that the “prideful” behaviors I exhibit on a seemingly regular basis are nothing more than a mask to hide that I would rather be the one doing for others, than allowing them to do for me. Because to allow them to do for me, would be admitting that I am worthy of their love, devotion, and support.
I know all of this seems the artifices of my previous blog titled “I am me…and I am enough.” But in all actuality it is not. This is simply me recognizing the depths of my broken spirit, and seeing the recurring theme of worthlessness for exactly what it is. This is me documenting each revelation and new understanding in an effort to move past it once and for all. This is me….making an effort to not make a mountain out of a molehill, and look at myself in the mirror and be fully satisfied with what is looking back at me.
Because the “I am not good enough” that has plagued me since I was old enough to remember was a seed planted by the hands of my offender, and then watered throughout the years by others. Who though, has been fertilizing that seed? Who has allowed it to stay rooted within her soul, and essentially bare fruit within her own existence? Me folks. That’s who. I will not blame this powerful and negative force in my life, on anyone other than myself.
And so today….I will take my own damn advice for once. I will take off my hat of hypocrisy and accept that I am worthy of the love that surrounds me. That I should want to be whole, healthy, happy, and healed for me. I will stop using my children as my only source of inspiration, and in essence what I hide behind.
I want to believe that I am worth it. I will believe it. I will own it.
I WILL learn it, love it, and live it.