A Goodbye of Epic Proportions

2015-12-31 11.27.13

Dear 2015,

Where do I even begin? You were good to me, I however…was not so good to you.

2015 will forever be referred to as “The Year of change and growth” for me.

I found HOME this year.

Both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I then tried to sabotage it. I ran from it. From healing. I hid, lied, distracted, coped, and self medicated. For the first 6 months of you 2015, I was the most incomplete, disastrous, and self destructive version of myself that I had been in more than 18 years. Quite possibly ever. Through moments of lucidity, I managed to maintain my relationship with my girls, but understandably only by a thread at times. My own inability to deal, left them feeling  alone and deserted. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that. I am blessed however, that they truly are the most forgiving souls that I know. I have always, and will always be there for my children in every way possible. For those months though, I reeled in the wake of  the divorce aftershocks, and had no idea how to maintain being the strong and powerful role model I had always been for them…while dying inside. I finally came to terms with my own weaknesses, fragility, and shortcomings. And oh my hell were there a lot of shortcomings. And do I even dare discuss the coping mechanisms unmasked?!?! Far to many to count. One’s I now see in my own children. One’s that sadden me greatly.

The beauty of all of that though, is that I still found HOME. I didn’t navigate 2015 with poise, and grace. I didn’t tactfully seek healing. I stumbled, fumbled, fell, cried, screamed, drank, clawed, fought, and nearly drowned while finding my footing.

The moral however, is that I did find my footing. I am more aware now of my shortcomings than ever before, and I work daily to be honest about them, and correct them so as to not negate my hearts intentions while loving others.

I also found LOVE this year.  I knew from the moment I looked into his eyes, that I was in trouble. I ran from him too. For almost 2 months. I wasn’t ready for him. For all that he is. I did quickly however, find myself wanting to be ready. Longing to be the best version of myself for ME, my girls, for his kids, and for him.  I didn’t see him coming at all. Today, I feel like he and his love were my reward for standing back up and learning to thrive, rather than continuing to wallow in self pity and brokeness.

Regardless of how I handled most of you 2015, you were still good to me. You brought people into my life that have changed me forever. You taught me that I am worthy of love, and the forgiveness my children exhibited. I leave you now 2015, with a new found appreciation for the journey, and a fire in my gut to see the same self discovery, and healing for my children in 2016.

I’m sorry that so much of you is hazy 2015. I am eternally thankful for all that you brought into my life in these past 12 months….but I bid you farewell with a sigh of relief…and a genuine excitement for what is to come in 2016.

So, thanks for the memories Doll…..you will always be a special year for me. Even if I am replacing you with a new one. 😉

A quick reminder for my dearest loves…my daughters.

Dear Daughters,

I was reminded again this morning, that you girls are my life’s greatest work. My greatest of purposes. My life’s muse.
If I did nothing else with my life, except be your mother…that would still be more than I could ever have asked or dreamed for.
Life passes to quickly it seems. Everyone is so busy these days. So many places to go, and people to see. That will only get worse as you all approach adult hood. So please know this….I adore the exquisite differences in each of your souls that make up who you are. I love your loyalty to each other, to me, and to those that have earned your loyalty in life. I miss you, even when It’s only because of work and school that we aren’t together. Please know that I never take for granted the fact that at each of your ages, we all still like each other. I am thankful for that every day.
My darling daughters, I will carry each of you within my spirit until I draw my very last breath.

Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for forgiving my shortcomings. Thank you for being the most beautiful part of the song that is my life. And most of all, thank you for listening when I attempt to save you from the heart aches of life.

I love you all more than oxygen.
Today, tomorrow, and always.
xoxoxoxoxoxo heart emoticon

Love always,

Your Mama

I am Me, and I am enough.

enough

A whirlwind of changes yet again, have left me embracing my own fragility.

Fragile is not something I would have ever been comfortable describing myself as before. Not completely comfortable with it now. However, I recognize that there are parts of my being that are tender, raw, and vulnerable. And for the first time in my life, I am coming to a place where I can appreciate that. The weight of having to be strong all of the time, slowly being lifted.

Embracing the damage that was done. Choosing to heal from it. As painful as it is, I choose daily to be better.

I choose to stare down the insecurities that plague me, and believe that I AM WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. Never having realized before, that I was hiding behind my own capacity to love, yet not believing that I was worthy of receiving it. The most painful realization has been seeing myself for all of the strengths that I embody, yet fully recognizing that beliving that “I am not good enough” negates those strengths.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not enough….it only matters that I choose to embrace that I am.

It matters not, how I came to believe that I am not worthy of being loved….it only matters that I accept that I do.

It matters not, why I feel alone in a room full of people on some days…..it only matters that I will choose to escape the loneliness, and learn how to live again.

Because……

I am enough. I am not perfect. But I am MORE than enough.

I am reminded of this daily when I see the love in my childrens eyes. When I hear my friends tell me they love me, and that they have my back….and I do not doubt that they mean it.

I see that I am enough when I hear the genuine joy escaping the lips of my children as they begin to laugh again from their souls. I see them healing. I see them loving. Without fear of rejection, or abandonment…they love. They inspire me to do the same.

And while my heart will likely always be closely guarded and protected, the courage I see within the children I have been blessed to have in my life strengthens me and uplifts me in a way I cannot do justice to with mere words.

So today I say, I am enough.

I am strong. I am love. I am blessed. I am me.

I am powerful. I am loved. I am humbled. I am me.

I am me. And I am enough.

The longing of my soul……

strong woman

A longing churns within my soul.

A longing not measurable by depths or reasoning.

One that reaches to the core of my heart.

A deep and profound longing that leaves me breathless when acknowledged fully.

A longing that I want so desperately to ignore.

To close myself off from completely, and hide from the weight of the reality that it brings.

One that causes me to want to retreat within, and pretend as if I do not know of it’s existence.

Want to. That is what I want to do.

But…….

I will not stand down.

I will embrace that which I was created to be.

For I was created to love. Wholly and completely.

From the depths of my soul flows a love so powerful that it can help heal those who open themselves to it.

Causing the broken pieces of their shattered being to become mended in the wake of that love.

I will choose to embody that which I was created for. Regardless of the cost.

Because I was created to be more than I am.

And I will become more than even I am capable of comprehending.

Change is our only constant.

The changes that come with life are constant and consistent. The absolute ONLY thing we can count on in life is that there will be change. There will be small and subtle changes, as well as substantial changes that leave us questioning everything we thought we once knew. It is what you do after the reeling stops that defines who you are. It is who you become during and on the other side of these changes that will be your legacy. I desire my legacy to be one of love, wisdom, strength, resilience, and compassion. I will fail. I will fall. I will do things that unintentionally hurt others, but I will ALWAYS apologize. I will ALWAYS learn from them. And I will ALWAYS have a heart big enough to shelter those whom I love, and who have my back. So, regardless of the constant and ever changing things that make up this life…..I will ALWAYS stand up right in my convictions, and be humbled beyond measure to live in a world where I am able to feel the love that surrounds me daily.
I will fall….but I will ALWAYS get back up.

“I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these flames
I don’t need you to save me
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter”

Not only will I get back up…but I will choose to thrive instead of survive.

“From the ashes emerged a being more beautiful than the world had ever seen before, nor would ever see again.”

My beautiful existence….

Contemplative would be the best word to describe my state of mind recently.

I recently returned from a vacation that left my mind cleared and heart renewed. No fancy places, beaches, resorts, or pina coladas. Just a beautiful place, where I was welcomed with so much love and genuine hearts, it left me humbled beyond measure.

I have been very blessed in my life when it comes to friendships. Some that have spanned many years, some that have had breaks and reunions, some that have been as steady and constant as the intake of oxygen. Some that were always there, but never “available” to me until recently. All of them, are each special in their own way and all of them I am beyond thankful for. Words could never actually convey my appreciation in fact.

So, contemplative is the best word to use for both my heart and my mind. Because the relationships within my world help hold me accountable, and growth oriented. Most importantly they help keep me resolved to navigating through the valleys with determination, and inspire that determination to increase daily.

The dynamic of my world has changed so profoundly, yet the things that have been and are being birthed from this change are enough to leave me filled with such humility I cannot even attempt to describe.

I am honored to live this life.

And regardless of the valleys….I wouldn’t change a single thing. Not a one.

Because this journey is not about where you end up, but more importantly….how you got there. ❤

friendship

The progression of change…my journey to feeling, and healing.

Progression:  pro·gres·sion 1.a movement or development toward a destination or a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.”the normal progression from junior to senior status”

  • synonyms: progress, advancement, movement, passage, march; More

    MUSIC: a passage or movement from one note or chord to another.
    “a blues progression”
    “A movement or development toward a destination…..”
    There is not always a destination as we navigate the challenges of this life. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Which is beyond frustrating for those like myself, who need to have a purpose. A goal to work towards.
    So, I hold tight to the second part of the definition of the word progression. “a movement or development toward a destination OR a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.
    To progress to a more advanced state, gradually, in stages. To allow myself to accept the imperfections, broken places, open wounds, anger, debilitating sadness, sense of loss, and FEEL them at a level that shakes me to my core. To do this in stages, and recognize that without FEELING them….my soul will wane in the wake of this valley, and I will never fully heal, and therefore be a watered down and broken version of myself. Which for those who know me, and those who have read other entries in my blog, KNOW that that is NOT an option within my journey. I have been unshakably committed to being whole, healed, and the best version of me that I can be for many years now. To change that now, would be cheating myself, and only prolong the process. My desire to find peace supersedes any defense mechanism subconsciously put in place to protect my heart. Because in truth….my heart has been destroyed, Both by the actions of another, and my own actions. I move forward not looking to place blame, but to fully embrace the experiences, and resolve to learning from them.
    I will resolve to not only learning from my past, but fully accepting that I will be different as a result. I have been operating out of a fear of vulnerability, and that fear still plagues me. There are chosen few, so few, who I can let my guard down with. But those few remind me that I am human. That I do not have to be strong all of the time. Which is a very jagged, and bitter pill for me to swallow. My mind has said that to maintain my “bad ass” status, I must not let the world see me in my brokenness. Only allow them to see me afterwards, when the positivity and wisdom birthed from those times are flowing like a river of encouragement. But in reality….will it not be even more powerful to say “Yes, I am broken, and I am destroyed RIGHT NOW. I am human. I cry. I hurt. I think irrational thoughts about forever being alone, and I harbor fears of ever trusting another human being with my heart. But I WILL BE BETTER. I WILL be more. I WILL choose to love others, and myself. Just you watch and see.”
    So although it would be easier for me to hide behind my strengths, I know that I will only derive more strength from being honest about my weaknesses. I will take a dear friends advice, and embrace the delicate parts of my spirit that need to be held, loved, nurtured, and healed. I will get angry, and then I will get over it. I will mourn, and then I will allow joy to come in the morning. I will turn on songs that I know evoke powerful emotions within me, and I will let my tears flow, because I know that with those tears comes a cleansed soul. I will as I always have, lean on my Creator to lead me, guide me, refine me, and most importantly DEFINE me.
    I am merely the culmination of the experiences of my life to date. And today, I resolve to breathing deep. Riding the waves as they come. And knowing, that on the other side of this….I will once again be a force to be reckoned with in this world. And maybe, just maybe, as a result…..I will someday allow others to love me as intensely and as devotedly as I love them. Maybe, just maybe, this chapter of my existence, may prove to be my most powerful testimony to date. It is all about the journey.
    “From the ashes of a broken existence came forth a more powerful, beautiful, and passionate being than the world had EVER seen, nor would EVER see again.”~ Me 2007
    For those of you that are a song within my life…I say thank you. You will never know the weight that your love holds within my spirit.