A Goodbye of Epic Proportions

2015-12-31 11.27.13

Dear 2015,

Where do I even begin? You were good to me, I however…was not so good to you.

2015 will forever be referred to as “The Year of change and growth” for me.

I found HOME this year.

Both physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I then tried to sabotage it. I ran from it. From healing. I hid, lied, distracted, coped, and self medicated. For the first 6 months of you 2015, I was the most incomplete, disastrous, and self destructive version of myself that I had been in more than 18 years. Quite possibly ever. Through moments of lucidity, I managed to maintain my relationship with my girls, but understandably only by a thread at times. My own inability to deal, left them feeling  alone and deserted. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that. I am blessed however, that they truly are the most forgiving souls that I know. I have always, and will always be there for my children in every way possible. For those months though, I reeled in the wake of  the divorce aftershocks, and had no idea how to maintain being the strong and powerful role model I had always been for them…while dying inside. I finally came to terms with my own weaknesses, fragility, and shortcomings. And oh my hell were there a lot of shortcomings. And do I even dare discuss the coping mechanisms unmasked?!?! Far to many to count. One’s I now see in my own children. One’s that sadden me greatly.

The beauty of all of that though, is that I still found HOME. I didn’t navigate 2015 with poise, and grace. I didn’t tactfully seek healing. I stumbled, fumbled, fell, cried, screamed, drank, clawed, fought, and nearly drowned while finding my footing.

The moral however, is that I did find my footing. I am more aware now of my shortcomings than ever before, and I work daily to be honest about them, and correct them so as to not negate my hearts intentions while loving others.

I also found LOVE this year.  I knew from the moment I looked into his eyes, that I was in trouble. I ran from him too. For almost 2 months. I wasn’t ready for him. For all that he is. I did quickly however, find myself wanting to be ready. Longing to be the best version of myself for ME, my girls, for his kids, and for him.  I didn’t see him coming at all. Today, I feel like he and his love were my reward for standing back up and learning to thrive, rather than continuing to wallow in self pity and brokeness.

Regardless of how I handled most of you 2015, you were still good to me. You brought people into my life that have changed me forever. You taught me that I am worthy of love, and the forgiveness my children exhibited. I leave you now 2015, with a new found appreciation for the journey, and a fire in my gut to see the same self discovery, and healing for my children in 2016.

I’m sorry that so much of you is hazy 2015. I am eternally thankful for all that you brought into my life in these past 12 months….but I bid you farewell with a sigh of relief…and a genuine excitement for what is to come in 2016.

So, thanks for the memories Doll…..you will always be a special year for me. Even if I am replacing you with a new one. 😉

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Change is our only constant.

The changes that come with life are constant and consistent. The absolute ONLY thing we can count on in life is that there will be change. There will be small and subtle changes, as well as substantial changes that leave us questioning everything we thought we once knew. It is what you do after the reeling stops that defines who you are. It is who you become during and on the other side of these changes that will be your legacy. I desire my legacy to be one of love, wisdom, strength, resilience, and compassion. I will fail. I will fall. I will do things that unintentionally hurt others, but I will ALWAYS apologize. I will ALWAYS learn from them. And I will ALWAYS have a heart big enough to shelter those whom I love, and who have my back. So, regardless of the constant and ever changing things that make up this life…..I will ALWAYS stand up right in my convictions, and be humbled beyond measure to live in a world where I am able to feel the love that surrounds me daily.
I will fall….but I will ALWAYS get back up.

“I will not hide my face
I will not fall from grace
I’ll walk into the fire, baby
All my life I was afraid to die
But now I come alive inside these flames
I don’t need you to save me
‘Cause I’m a survivor
Yeah, I am a fighter”

Not only will I get back up…but I will choose to thrive instead of survive.

“From the ashes emerged a being more beautiful than the world had ever seen before, nor would ever see again.”

May 7th Photo-A-Day Challenge: Trees!

May Photo-A-Day Challenge: Trees!

Supposed to be trees today. So, you will see trees in the background. Lots of native foliage in fact to Boquete region of Panama where we were when I took this picture.

But of course, what I saw was the beautiful Indian woman. Working diligently to start the fire needed to prepare that evenings meal. Her and her family had traveled by foot for who knows how many days. She was doing nothing more than the same thing she does every day. And yet…I was enamored with her. Amazed by her quiet strength. Her subtle beauty. Her being.

I don’t know what it is about my soul that desires to walk with those like her, and every other culture. If able, I would have gladly strapped on a bag, and went home with her. Living where they live. Eating what they eat. Working as hard as they work. I vow to Someday….do exactly that.

Wanderlust consumes my very soul. And….I wouldn’t have it any other way.

May 6th Photo-A-Day Challeng: Beverages!

May 6th Photo-A-Day Challeng: Beverages!

When I get exhausted with daily things…I find myself reminiscing about our time in Central America. I find my heart longing for it. I loved everything about the sights, smells, tastes, and experiences we had there. Even the painful experiences. I loved them all.

Here you will see one of my favorite photos from our time visiting with the indigenous tribes of Panama’s Boquete region. These sweet girls were so excited to have been given these juices! The Ngöbe Bugle are a beautiful people plagued by a thousand things I care not get into at this moment. Because none the less, they are beautiful. Their very presence humbled me. Many of them, had never seen a blond haired, green eyed white woman before. It was an eye opening, and beautiful experience that I will NEVER forget. One that I have committed to having again sometime within the near future.

May 5th Photo-A-Day Challenge: Clouds!

cloudsThis is a re-blogged picture from last years challenge. I searched and searched for a picture better, and could not find one that I had taken. I also attempted to take one…nothing. So, enjoy this piece of pretty again this year folks, as it is by far my most beautiful captured image to date. xoxoxo!

May Photo-A-Day Challenge: Hands! And, an Ode to my Love, on our 16th Anniversary!

May Photo-A-Day Challenge: Hands! And, an Ode to my Love, on our 16th Anniversary!

The Photo today is “Hands.”
So, you see our hands intertwined, which is a normal thing for us. You will also see from my permanent body art…that today is our wedding anniversary. 16 years today. Wow.

Amazing to me, when I reflect….how far we have truly come. Seems like only a few months ago I was writing my post on our 15th Wedding anniversary, and instead it has been an entire year. A year full of more growth, ANOTHER major move, tears, pain, love, laughter, and life.
Life. Our Life. The life we have built TOGETHER.
Not a perfect life.
Or one without strife, and struggle.
One we have literally had to FIGHT tooth and nail to create.
A life we have had to beg God to help us keep.
A life….more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined for us.

You will NEVER see us pretending to be something we are not. We will never pretend that we do not put the FUN in DysFUNctional. 🙂 If you spend time with us, you will see laughter, anger, joy, frustration, pain, healing, growth, and happiness. You will see that he is hard on our children. Yet in secret, he cries at the thought of them leaving him one day. He is tender in a way that only I and his girls have ever seen. He is generous, and precious. If you were apart of our world, you would see all of the above…but most importantly, you would see LOVE.

Love is what our life is built on.
He is mine. And I am his.
He keeps me grounded, when my gypsy soul wants to fly away.
I keep him smiling, when his mind keeps his heart bogged down.
He prays for me, and I for him.
He loves me.
A love more pure than anything I had ever known before him.
A love that most days…I do not deserve.
A love, that I am honored to have bestowed upon me.

He has given me strength to become who I am. He fights through his fears, when he is afraid that who I am becoming will not want him anymore. He CHOOSES to become a better man, and challenges me in turn to be a better woman.

He has blessed me with the four most amazing people I have ever known.
Our daughters…who are becoming our life’s greatest work.
He still sends me flowers.
And, he still calls me his queen.
He still gives me butterflies, when I catch him looking at me when he thinks I am not paying attention. And he scolds me when I degrade my body.

This man loves me. Just as I am. Raw and real. Loud and unbridled. Wild and untamed. He loves me. There is NOTHING more I could ask for in this life…than to spend the rest of it…just being his.

I love you husband. With every fiber of my heart, mind, body, and soul. Happy Anniversary sweet man, and here’s to 16 more, and another 16 after that. xoxoxoxo