The progression of change…my journey to feeling, and healing.

Progression:  pro·gres·sion 1.a movement or development toward a destination or a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.”the normal progression from junior to senior status”

  • synonyms: progress, advancement, movement, passage, march; More

    MUSIC: a passage or movement from one note or chord to another.
    “a blues progression”
    “A movement or development toward a destination…..”
    There is not always a destination as we navigate the challenges of this life. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Which is beyond frustrating for those like myself, who need to have a purpose. A goal to work towards.
    So, I hold tight to the second part of the definition of the word progression. “a movement or development toward a destination OR a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.
    To progress to a more advanced state, gradually, in stages. To allow myself to accept the imperfections, broken places, open wounds, anger, debilitating sadness, sense of loss, and FEEL them at a level that shakes me to my core. To do this in stages, and recognize that without FEELING them….my soul will wane in the wake of this valley, and I will never fully heal, and therefore be a watered down and broken version of myself. Which for those who know me, and those who have read other entries in my blog, KNOW that that is NOT an option within my journey. I have been unshakably committed to being whole, healed, and the best version of me that I can be for many years now. To change that now, would be cheating myself, and only prolong the process. My desire to find peace supersedes any defense mechanism subconsciously put in place to protect my heart. Because in truth….my heart has been destroyed, Both by the actions of another, and my own actions. I move forward not looking to place blame, but to fully embrace the experiences, and resolve to learning from them.
    I will resolve to not only learning from my past, but fully accepting that I will be different as a result. I have been operating out of a fear of vulnerability, and that fear still plagues me. There are chosen few, so few, who I can let my guard down with. But those few remind me that I am human. That I do not have to be strong all of the time. Which is a very jagged, and bitter pill for me to swallow. My mind has said that to maintain my “bad ass” status, I must not let the world see me in my brokenness. Only allow them to see me afterwards, when the positivity and wisdom birthed from those times are flowing like a river of encouragement. But in reality….will it not be even more powerful to say “Yes, I am broken, and I am destroyed RIGHT NOW. I am human. I cry. I hurt. I think irrational thoughts about forever being alone, and I harbor fears of ever trusting another human being with my heart. But I WILL BE BETTER. I WILL be more. I WILL choose to love others, and myself. Just you watch and see.”
    So although it would be easier for me to hide behind my strengths, I know that I will only derive more strength from being honest about my weaknesses. I will take a dear friends advice, and embrace the delicate parts of my spirit that need to be held, loved, nurtured, and healed. I will get angry, and then I will get over it. I will mourn, and then I will allow joy to come in the morning. I will turn on songs that I know evoke powerful emotions within me, and I will let my tears flow, because I know that with those tears comes a cleansed soul. I will as I always have, lean on my Creator to lead me, guide me, refine me, and most importantly DEFINE me.
    I am merely the culmination of the experiences of my life to date. And today, I resolve to breathing deep. Riding the waves as they come. And knowing, that on the other side of this….I will once again be a force to be reckoned with in this world. And maybe, just maybe, as a result…..I will someday allow others to love me as intensely and as devotedly as I love them. Maybe, just maybe, this chapter of my existence, may prove to be my most powerful testimony to date. It is all about the journey.
    “From the ashes of a broken existence came forth a more powerful, beautiful, and passionate being than the world had EVER seen, nor would EVER see again.”~ Me 2007
    For those of you that are a song within my life…I say thank you. You will never know the weight that your love holds within my spirit.
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