Drunk on the idea of love…..

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“Just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokeness.”

I found this a few days ago while perusing Pinterest. It held so much weight it literally took my breath away. I began to ponder it immediately and why it would have such am impact on my soul.
Words of course hold weight within my world always. Being a writer I hold vocabulary and words very dear to my heart. But these words were more than words for me.

I have experienced love.
Deep and profound love that resonates from the very core of who you are.
It was a love that grew over many years, and was a love I thought I would be apart of until I drew my last breath.
It was a love….that became stagnant and painful.
It was a love….that ended.

Moving past that love has proven to be difficult for the remaining pieces of my shattered heart. Not because I miss it, or him, or even because I ever wanted that love back. But because I do believe that I was in fact drunk on the idea that that love could heal my brokeness.

I have healed in my life from profound hurts. From life changing abuses and lingering defense mechanisms. I know what healing feels like. I believed for so long that the love I was in, helped me find the strength to heal those areas of brokeness. These days….I am of the belief that it did help, slightly. But that love was not the reason I CHOSE to heal. I chose to heal because of my own internal resolve to be better. Be more. Be me.

Almost a year outside of that love…I am now desperately seeking the inner strength to heal from the damage of those years spent within that love. To find me. To find what defines me as a person. Outside of that role as belonging to him. Outside of work. Outside of my children. And in keeping with my continued resolve of COMPLETE honesty on this blog…I’m struggling. I’m fucking up. Most days I’m okay. Some days I’m not. I want to hide within my defense mechanisms and shield my heart from hurting anymore.

In truth I find happiness in conversations with my children. Fishing. Camping. At length discussions with good friends over cold beers. In Harley rides, and drives through the country with the windows down and the music obnoxiously loud.

But at night, when the bed is lonely, and the warmth of another is longed for….I realize that I am not yet okay.

I will be. I will find my way. I will find me.

But for now I suppose….I am simply human….drunk on the idea that love may someday help heal my brokeness. My goal however, is for that love to come from within my own soul. To be deeply, passionately, and profoundly in love with me. And then maybe, just maybe….the healing will be complete.

Another milestone…A letter for my second daughter

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“And though she be but little…she is fierce!”

There is no better description for you my dear 2nd born.

You are fierce in your soul, wicked sharp in your mind, and truly one of the most observant people I have ever had the honor of knowing.

You graduated from the 8th grade this past month, and I admit this milestone left me reeling for more reasons than I can decipher fully yet.

But for you, I will try to. And so…..a letter for you my dear girl. For you and you alone.

Dearest 2nd born,

You came into this world 14 years ago exhibiting a quiet strength I envied almost immediately. I was scared to death when I found that you were coming, because I did not know how there could be enough room in my heart to love another child the way I had fallen so madly in love with your big sister. You, my dear girl, obliterated that from the first moment I laid eyes on your gorgeous spirit. My heart was immediately overflowing with a profound and immeasurable love for every single sound that you made. Every breath that you took seemed to be in exact rhythm with that of the beating of my heart.

And here we are, 14 years later, and I feel exactly the same as I did the moment I had the honor of meeting you.

You came into this world stubborn, strong, lovely, and fragile. Your sweet spirit becoming more and more evident as the years have passed by.

There are so many things that I want to tell you my dear girl, so very many things. I have shared with you my story from a very young age in hopes that you will take heed and make better choices along your own journey. And that you have done indeed my sweet girl.

I have watched you navigate through out this past year with more grace and dignity than most adults are capable of. You have been honest about your feelings, but careful to not allow them to fuel any anger within your spirit. You my dear girl, have trusted me when others did not, and had my back when others questioned my choices. You have spoken truth that is hard to hear yet presented it in a way that exhibited more poise than that of 10 grown women.

You are strong, you are wise, you are solid, and you are beautiful. And so I find myself wondering what advice I could possibly give you over the next four years that will be sufficient…..so instead….I will make you some promises. As I did to your sister….that you may always know where the heart of your Mama lies….no matter where we are, or what we are doing.

I promise dear girl, to always be here for you. Our family dynamic has changed, but we are still a family. I promise to hold you when you cry. To not pry. To stand by your side as you decipher who should be in your world, and who should not. I will shop with you (which you KNOW how much I love that…lol) for every prom dress, every special outfit, and I promise to keep my crazy at below a 5 the first time I must come face to face with the first silly boy who is trying to come steal you away from me. I promise to continue trying with all of my heart to co parent effectively with your father, and more than anything else my dear, dear girl….I promise to always be a soft spot for you to land.

I cannot promise to be the perfect Mom, but I can promise that I will continue to try and be a woman you are proud to call your Mama. I promise to continue on my own journey to healing and wholeness that you might be proud of the example I have attempted to set. I promise to continue to try to empower you with the ability to make good choices. And be honest in my faults. That you may know that it is one of the most beautiful things in the world, when a woman can be tough and tender simultaneously.

And with all of that said….I now way what you have heard me say a thousand times before. Be YOU my dear girl. Be YOU.

Do not allow the trials of this life to taint your views of the world. Continue seeking knowledge and beauty. Dream. Breath. Travel. Love. Laugh from your soul. Smile. Continue to love and be there for others, but never do that at the cost of your own heart, or your own self.

YOU are exquisite my dear girl. You will change the world one person at a time. You are beautiful, and I am honored to be on this journey with you. Please remember that as we embark on the next 4 years, and remember that when I say no…it will be because I possess a wisdom you have only begun to understand.

I love you today, tomorrow, and always. Thank you for being YOU. May you NEVER be anything else.

Love always,

Your Mama

xoxoxoxoxoxo