This will quite possibly be, the MOST personal post I have ever made, or will ever make…..
Recent changes in my life have caused me to prioritize yet again, and I have resumed my focus in life to love, lift up, encourage, and help others move past their hurts and all of the consequences of those hurts.
I am no longer be a wife, and navigating outside of that label is new and different for me. As you can see from many of my past posts, that was a huge part of my identity for almost 17 years.
But I am still a mother. A kick ass one at that.
I am still a daughter. Sister. Friend. Protector. Ride or Die.
I am still Unbridled and untamed. Honest to a fault. Wild and free. And now more free to be all of those things and more. More so now than ever before in my entire existence.
I was still created for a purpose, even though my purpose has been re-defined.
I am journeying to find the broken parts of me that were compromised for so many years, and explore them fully. Mending them, and restoring them to their full potential.
I am on a journey to find “Me.”
And where I am today, stems directly from where I’ve been.
So, I share with you the letter I wrote to my offender 7 years ago this year. It had taken me 27 years to write this letter. And I have never looked back.
I desire that those who read it, will see that there is always the ability to move past the pain, grab hold of life, and choose healing over brokenness.
My life is a living testament to that.
And the rest of my story….has only just begun. 🙂
September 21st, 2007
Dear Biological Father,
As I begin this letter, it occurs to me that we have come full circle. It was exactly this time last year that we had our last conversation. As you well know, I was deeply hurt by last year’s happenings. Not an unfamiliar feeling from our correspondence throughout the years, but still painful at that. While that seems like a harsh statement, please know now that “low-blows” or “cheap-shots” are not what this letter is about. I also have no intention of using this letter as a forum for using you as my personal “Punching bag”. I turned 27 years old yesterday, and finally realize that I have simply come to a place in my life, where I cannot do this anymore. By “this” I mean, harbor un-forgiveness, and suffer all the damage it does to my personal life.
I feel compelled to begin by telling you that I do remember. I do remember the times spent throughout my childhood that you and I spent as father and daughter. I remember lots of peaceful walks through the Santa Cruz Redwoods, where I learned how to track deer, and how to climb the massive trunks of the breathtaking redwood trees. I remember bike rides, and fishing trips. The deep sea fishing trip on the Great Lakes where I was sicker than a dog and still caught the biggest fish that day…..that story still brings a smile to my face. I also realize that I was raised by two different fathers before the age of 10. My Father, who was a good father. A caring father and a man that truly felt blessed for the one precious daughter that G-d allowed him to have. And the other man, whom I’m sure we are both equally thankful, is no longer a part of either of our lives anymore. The first father, the father that I truly believe G-d intended you to be, is the man that I find myself mourning for all these years later. You know that I had the most amazing step-father that anyone could have ever asked for, however that never did dull the pain completely for the loss of my biological father in my life. You see, the statement made in your last email about “Not knowing you well enough to comment on what is typical of you” seems so unfair a statement coming from a man whose daughter was robbed of “Knowing you well enough” by his own doing. I know that through your own time of self-exploration and counseling all those years ago, you found the “reasons” for your actions. For that I am truly grateful. You see I am not a selfish person, and have for years wondered and prayed that you were not nearly as tormented by what happened as I have been. I would not wish that on anyone, and I only know what it was like to be the child in the situation, I cannot imagine the burden of being the offender. I know, through a few of our conversations, that you have found peace from that situation, and feel as though, in most ways I have as well. I have spent a lot of time analyzing what it is that I still harbor that keeps my un-forgiveness alive and well, and subject to triggering other ugly behaviors in my life. I have come to rest upon the understanding that it is about so much more than the act of the molestation itself. My issues seem to be more about simply the loss of you in my life. That the choices you made, even after the most traumatic ones, all lead to the same place…..the place where our relationship is not healthy, never has been, and never will be. I feel as though, I have never, and will never be more important than you, and your needs. I realize that this may be completely incorrect, but, as I’m sure you would agree, I have never had the chance to know any differently.
Also, I apologize for allowing my deep-seeded emotional scars affect your wife recently. Please convey my heartfelt apology to her for having been on the receiving end of my anger and resentment. I could go into all the reason why I felt hurt and angry that you would give me such funds as a “loan”, but you and I both already know them, and there is no reason to re-hash them. The “sacrifice” while honorable, also felt like a slap in the face. It was the only sacrifice I could ever recall my EVER father making for me, and as quickly as it was given, was asked to be returned. I reacted out of anger, and resentment, and for that I apologize.
I write this letter, not as a sounding board for all of my reasons for ugly behavior, but, as a final release of all my un-forgiveness. Also, to say, that I have truly come to a place where I can thank God for what I endured as a child. As strange as that sounds, I know that I would not be the strong, compassionate, spiritually sound person I am today, had I not endured what I did. I heard a pastor speak recently, and make a statement that was so deeply profound as he was speaking on spiritual gifts. He stated that some gifting’s were given by God intentionally, and some were the product of “Enduring such a traumatic experience that it literally rips a whole in your soul.” That statement rang so true for me. My desire to continue the journey daily to become that which I was created to be, and to continue seeking the true intention for my life, is directly related to that hole in my soul. I may never have learned how desperately I need him daily had I not needed him so early on.
And so I say, farewell.
Know that I move forward in Peace.
And most importantly…that I CHOOSE to move forward.